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OK, so we've all read the Mochimerica strip with "It's okey I'm American!" now, right?

Well, I vote it as the next big internet meme!

Case in point:


Yes, I realize that saying this makes me sound like a perv. But after I wrote that France/everyone yuri story, does anyone really think I'm not?


Why does LJ have no Queen's Blade fandom?

Yes, yes, it's an ecchi show. But it's seriously underrated.
Dear anxiety:

Kindly shut the fuck up.

Hoping that someday I find a medication to kill you,

- Chaser

I need to update more, so have a meme

Ask me about a character I play, write or like from one of my fandoms and I'll tell you:

B) The runner up
C) The anti-ship
D) My unpopular fannish opinion on said character
E) One person he/she never fell in love with, and why

My fandoms: Axis Powers (World Series) Hetalia, Revolutionary Girl Utena, Mai Otome, Simoun, Blue Drop, Trigun, Harry Potter, Avatar: The Last Airbender, The Princess and the Frog, Enzai.



Nothing says "this day is going to be so awesome" like having to spend three hours getting to a psychiatrist's appointment and back when a car could get this shit done in an hour.

I hate America's fucked-up, oil-guzzling, car-worshiping society today.

what. the. fucking. fuck.

So there's a coworker who kind of pisses me off sometimes. And today he pissed me off enough to make me teary.

I've basically been cooped up in my house for over a month now due to a family situation that all hands need to be on deck to take care of. And so I wanted just one night out. Which I haven't really had since December thanks to not having a driver's license or a lot of local friends. And having a job that is very demanding and a need to write which is even more demanding. So when our workplace got offered free tickets to a play's opening night, I asked coworker to hold one for me.

"One" is the operative here.

Instead of a "Yeah, I can do that for you." I got a "Yeah, but you really should take someone with you."

I don't know about you, but I just love being nagged, guilted and lectured about my choices as a 30-year-old woman--and by "love" I mean "want to smash the next person in the face with a traffic cone who decides to scold me for sometimes wanting to have a life even though I have the unmitigated temerity to not have a lot of friends or the ability to operate an overrated, ugly and polluting tool that my country has somehow decided everyone who isn't Suspect needs to drive."

Clue: If you don't live in a big city with regular, reliable and around the clock public transportation and you don't have a car? You do not have a social life when you are no longer a college student or college-age. Yes, it sucks--for us, not for you who have the privilege of going wherever you please whenever you please without having to feel guilt and shame and self-hate in asking for rides.

In other words: Kindly shut the god damned hell up and give me my single, god damned ticket already for Christ's sake.

However, I've been fighting exhaustion all day long and thanks to chronic illness and family situation just don't have the spoons to fight with someone who doesn't Approve of Me. So I just told him not to bother. Whatever. I'll just sit at home and write. It's probably better if I do, anyway.

P.S. The first person who steps in here and says, "Ohh! But that's not how it works! Americans don't look at adults who can't drive as useless pieces of shit, really! You just need to learn how public transportation works!" is going to get a peanut shoved up their nose.

Sep. 7th, 2010

Oh yeah. I haven't taken my meds in a few days. That would explain why I want to kick babies and scream in everyone's face today.

Once again with feeling

Dear hetero women in fandom:


I'm a queer female fan.

Yes, we exist.

Yes, we are in your fandom drooling at your bishies.

No, we don't appreciate it when you imply or outright say that all female fans like cock. I mean, fuck. Normally I just shrug and grin and bear it when someone says shit like this. I'm a sexual minority, after all, and if I yelled at every damn person who erased my existence I'd get nothing else done, like, ever. Seriously. There would not be enough spoons in this universe or any that parallel it, including the ones where gay is the default and hetero women are constantly telling queer women not to assume that everyone with a pussy likes pussy.

But when it happens in fandoms that have a huge yaoi/boy's love/m/m following, then, I'm sorry, but I lose patience. If you're getting off to two guys being together then, I'm sorry, but you need to know enough about queer people to know that 1) straight is not the god damned default, 2)most queer people don't really appreciate it when you assume this and 3) when you're running around without your pants on, a queer person is probably watching and shaking his/her/hir/ou head or gritting their teeth in frustration because, lol wow, you've just erased them again1 Just like people do to us every god damned day that starts with a consonant.

Queer people aren't just here for your entertainment. If you like fic and art featuring us, then it would behoove you to give a damn about our feelings and yoiur words that oppress and hurt us.

tl;dr: Check your damn privilege already. Because your bare hetero ass is really not that attractive.

- Chaser

fuck today

And this week.

Hey, LJ. Chaser's depressed and upset. Which means YOU get to listen to her rant. Yay?

OK. So it's been a really crappy few weeks. I've been trying to care for a sick family member (being one of two people who is doing so) while working and making sure another family member doesn't get overloaded and overwhelmed. Meanwhile, my work doesn't stop. The deadlines still have to get done, and no matter how sympathetic people are that doesn't change the fact that the work has to get done and I'm the only one who can do it. (I won't even get into the people who pretty much told me they didn't care about my problems, that I was lying, that I should suck it up and the world revolves around their assholes and how DARE I say otherwise. Because. Yeah. I do have to work with them so dwelling on angry, hateful thoughts is bad, and me being unable to say nothing but "fuck" every other word for the rest of the day isn't going to help anyone, either.).

And then came the thing that just broke me when I was already upset, vulnerable and trying not to cry. Funimation's announcement of the Hetalia card contest winners.

I had no pretenses about winning, but I still wanted to make some Italy-inspired jewelry to photograph, paste on an index card and mail in. Just to show Himaruya that I care about his work, and that it's given me a lot of joy. As stupid as this sounds, it was one of the things that cut for talk of suicideCollapse ) That kind of respite in my life, which has very little of it already, is not something I forget and something I am profoundly thankful for. But of course, that all went to hell when said family member got sick. Plus, you know, my stupid digital camera is both lost and broken, so I'd have had to call one of my non-existent friends to help.

But that isn't really the point of this entry. The point is, even if I occasionally make jewelry, I'm not an artist. I don't have the aptitude or the time to learn to draw or paint even though I do have the interest. That's the fun thing about being in your 30s. You have no time anymore for experimentation or doing and learning new things; even my one hobby, fanfiction, is writing practice. But I digress. As happy as I am for the winners of the contest, that sour, selfish little voice inside me says, "But I want to be able to enter a contest too, someday." Of course I don't know what it'd look like, or how you'd even set up a writing contest in the first place that wouldn't be fan fic and therefore Not Something We Can Recognize (though why fan art always gets a pass while fic does not is something that continues to baffle me). But, I mean, it would still be nice.

Ultimately, it's not about the contest. The contest isn't the point. It's the fact that something horrible always happens in the summer and always a few days before or after my birthday that leaves me stressed and sad and unable to show emotion to anyone but my partner because the other people in my life either don't give a flying fuck or have too many of their own problems to take on mine. It's the fact that my computer destroyed something I had to hand in this week which then put me behind on more work. It's the fact that two people have yelled at me. It's the fact that my career is in the toilet for reasons beyond the bad economy (translation: I suck and I fuck up everything I touch). It's the fact that, when I just wanted to be alone so I could blink back tears and not have my second breakdown in a week that I got called away from typing this entry three times to do caretaker duties (albeit small ones). It's the fact that I continually fuck up shit with scheduling that people half my age understand. It's the fact that I disappoint everyone who puts any sort of trust in me. It's the fact that, despite having worked on the bullshit depression and anxiety have done to me for the last five years, I still haven't gotten beyond the self-loathing and the negative self-talk and the nonsense. It's the fact that 99 percent of my life is fucked up and wrong and unbearable and I get reminded about this whenever I think I'm wrong and things are actually improving.

God. Just fuck today. Fuck this week. Fuck my birthday and fuck my life.

Fanfic meme thing

the that's my favorite! meme

I'm not even sure I have that many readers...

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December 2010


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